Josey renews his focking license

But thank you Lord!!! I get meh focking permit renewed in 1 minute!!! If I
was a Shouter Baptiste, I woulda start to hop on one foot, spin in a
circle, ring the bell and start to bawl like a cow that get hook up on
some barbwire. If I was a Christian I woulda dash a bucket ah holy
water on the woman head and raise meh hands to the sky like a nigger
who just see a policeman. If I was a Hindu, I woulda pull out the horn
and start to blow it in she face while setting down the flag on the
counter. If I was a Jehovah Witness, I woulda try to sell she some
Watchtower pamphlets for only $1.00 and then ask for a glass of ice
water and to use the toilet. If I was a Muslim I woulda slap she for
exposing her lovely boobage, then count to 72, one for each virgin
bamsee I'll be violating in heaven, and then blow mehself up. If I
belonged to the Danah Alleyne "Dancing Fi d Lard" Flaming Wood Ministry
I woulda jump up on the counter, bawl "Africa! Here I focking modacont
come!!!" and then dive headfirst into the garbage bin and break meh
neck.

Now compare and contrast that with when I went to renew my
Trini license many years ago...when I had to plan 2 years ahead to
renew it, take 3 weeks vacation, visit all my friends to say goodbye,
hugged my mother and told her that I was going Afghanistan to fight war
(I didn't want to tell her that I was going to the License Office since
that would have made her worry unnecessarily), pack my bags with food,
water, mace, cutlass, magazines, deodorant and goat feed, headed off to
POS, but instead of taking a maxi where I would have had to sit amongst
niggas, I chose to hitch a ride on the back of a Bedford truck carrying
wild pigs which were continuously bulling each other, rolling in shit
and smelling each other's bottoms – because all things equal, pigs
don't rob you - and I didn't have to listen to 102 FM to boot.

So after getting there at 2am, lining up with 400 niggas as if we in the
Laventille soup kitchen on Christmas Eve, waiting till 8am, hot sun,
niggas getting restless, one gave birth to a nigglet in the line (which
she fling in the bin), the nigga in front leave to go and rob the
grocery across the road, and the rest of them spitting all over the
place like they didn't brush they teeth since they left Africa,
tumbleweed blowing across the yard, man playing harmonica on the side
of the wall where all them nigga does go and piss, I thought I was on
the set of The Good, The Bad and the Focking Ogly Nigga - finally the
focking door open!

But alas, we celebrated too soon. It was a
premature celebration. A premature ejaculation. Some rasta nigga poke
his head out from the front door and bawl the cashier ent coming today,
so fock off and come back next year.

Riot in the focking dancehall. Booyaka focking Booyaka. Man biting man. Nigga kicking,
cuffing, grabbing, groping, pelting, spitting, gargling, some was even
masturbating furiously like a monkey on bananas. Them men was getting
on like a bucket ah KFC just drop from the sky just so and land on a
nigga head. The last time I see that kinda behaviour was when them
niggas from Ghana had captured the last remaining specimen of the
endangered 5-assed monkey. Yes there is such a thing as a 5-assed
monkey. Well, "was". Them niggas bull it to death.

Anyway, while them niggas was killing each other (like that time they went to a
Beenie Man fete and the promoter come out at 3am and tell them Beenie
not coming again), I noticed that the rasta man open the front door.
Apparently the cashier drag she ass to work because it was pay day, so
we didn't have to fock off after all!

So I do a Jet Li move and run on some man head and dive inside the office. I was happy at the
thought that I might actually be able to renew meh focking permit
before it focking expired. And thank God I made it in one piece. Well,
except that I was missing part of meh ears, meh jersey was bite up, meh
pants was gone, half meh jockey shorts was gone, and so was the
foreskin from meh cock, so I was now circumcised. But say wha.

So anyway, it had 5 niggas ahead of me. So I wait and I wait and I focking
wait. Finally, after about 4 hours, I finally made it to the front. Is
then I see the cashier woman. I stood in awe. For 5 minutes. Total awe.
I was face to focking face with the legendary esquilax - the nigga with
the head of a horse, and the body of a horse. For one of the very few
times in meh life, I was speechfockingless.

If yuh see this thing. Braids the size of anchor rope, pulled so tight that she eye
brow at the top of her forehead, she eyes like Brigo and she nose hole
vertical and facing me like 2 focking gun barrel. The lip like big
black pudding, with pink on the inside. And the teeth. Oh fock the
teeth. It look like she floss with barb wire – if yuh see space between
them teeth. And the eyes red like she grazed in a marijuana plantation
before coming to work. Fock boy, I didn’t know lagahoos roamed in the
daylight.

Anyway, I drop meh paperwork on the counter, and
managed to stutter, "ah come to renew meh permit". She watch meh with a blank stare on she face. The kinda stare them mongoose does give yuh
just before yuh run they ass over. The kinda clueless stare them nigga
does give yuh when yuh ask them to say the 2 times table. Then it hit
meh. That’s why I had packed the goat feed. I reach inside meh
backpack, grab a handful of pellets and rest it on the counter. The
esquilax put she head down, sniff it, and I don’t know if she eat it or
if she breathe it in, but the focking feed was focking gone.